Today, gay bars and clubs have deteriorated into little more than cesspools of awkward, drunken, over-sexualized social interactions, which are more likely to lead to something dangerous than meaningful. In short, they were thrilling when you were 16 and stupid. All it takes is little life experience to ruin what used to be a good time.
Evidently, the new “solution” for the eligible gay bachelor is online dating. Though I must confess that I was at first enamored with the concept, I now understand that online dating has merely taken the disaster of the club and transcribed it, minus the flashing lights and bad techno-remixes of over played pop songs, into indelible digital letters.
Remember all those come-ons and one-liners that you uttered in the relative anonymity and frivolity of a bar? Thankfully it is easy to forget such things. Today Pick-up lines, which, by the grace of god, used to be muddled by alcohol, loud music, and a crowded bar appear on your computer screen in perfectly legible black letters. Indeed, whether you are G.L. (good looking) or V.G.L. (very good looking), D.T.F. (down to fuck) or looking for a L.T.R. (long term relationship); such Pick-up Lines are now the universal currency of online dating. The First words you email someone are the first axiom of an augment whose logical conclusion is a hang-out/date.
Counter to fact, one might even assume that typically such legible words would be at minimum polite, complementary, and inquisitive. Lets face it, regardless of your “stats” (variables such as height, weight, body build, ethnicity, and yes… cock size) there are only so many ways to respond to introductions such as “Dude” “Hawt,” “Sup,” “cute,” or “☺”. Most of them do not involve a return email. These introductions are the calling card of the desperate, sex staved, beggars of the online dating scene.
Though I have received such calling cards, by virtue of my poor eye sight and vintage (from the 90s) Calvin Kline round black mettle glasses, there is an even more obvious and “original” come-on for me: “has anyone told you that you look like Harry Potter?” I suppose posting picture where I am wearing glasses (as well as cloths) might invite this come-on. I suppose that being told that you remind someone of Daniel Radcliff (only taller) is a compliment. But the proper answer to the question is yes. “Yes, I have been told that I look like Harry Potter.” This answer usually implies that ”no, your not the first person to make that observation. No, you’re not clever or original after all.” So I usually don’t respond, and if I do, I say thank you and move on.
Last night, fed up with my homework, I decided to check one of my dating sites for emails. I was excited to have received one from a beautiful (if the picture was real) tall, muscular, tan, blue eyed man who’s profile included poetry. Call me a sucker.
Him: Hi how are you? I find you interesting so far.
Yay! Not Harry Potter! It seems like he might actually have something to say.
Me: hahah why is that?
Hell, I was curious. Generally you don’t tell someone they are interesting without a reason
Him: I could no sooner answer that question than answering the purpose of the universe.
Grammatical problems aside, you have got to be kidding me right?
Me: Ha! I will take that as a compliment. But I don’t think you can answer the purpose of the universe. It is not asking you a question.
If only he could have picked up on the sarcasm…
Him: I beg to disagree. We all are matter and matter is comprised of the universe. It has been proven that every human being accounts for 1 % of the universe within them, therefore, you being made up of universe particulate ...it is asking through you
Bang!... Most profound metaphysical statement of my life: matter is comprised of the universe (silly me, I always thought it was the other way around. Wasn’t energy in there some where?), which consists, in its totality, of 100 people (1 person = 1% then 100 people = 100%).
---End Conversation---
So I just ridiculed a guy that I have never met in a public forum where he has no opportunity to respond. That’s right, I can be an ass and a coward (I am really bad at come backs) at the same time. In exactly 100 words (I counted) we can both walk away with profound yet almost completely unsubstantiated negative judgments about each other. To a certain extent that is what dating is about. It is a judgment about who you want to spend time with and how you want to love. He was handsome, funny, nice, polite, and inquisitive, hell… I will even give him poetic. Yet, I can honestly say that I wont talk to him again and have no desire to ever know him. Would you?
I think that it is sad when an institution, which is supposed to promote people being together, becomes a new way to arbitrarily ascribe negative qualities to one another. One of the great talents of the human brain is something called “theory of mind”: we are aware that other people are independent agents capable of their own thoughts. Furthermore, to a certain extent we can anticipate the thoughts of others and make judgments based on this modeling.
This task becomes extremely difficult and complicated when the person you’re modeling is someone that you have never met sitting at a computer anywhere with an Internet connection. How do we judge? Do we rely on a pick-up line? What about “stats”? How about 100 words? But I guess the better question to ask is how should we think about each other? How should we love?
These dating websites are going to put an end to civilized interpersonal relationships. They're like back rooms and baths online.
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